Finally a moments rest…ironically I feel like staying up half the night because I’d rather tomorrow not come before I’m ready.

Armed with a glass of wine, at last a moment to myself, I am remembering how soothing it is to put my thoughts into words. I’ve taken quite the unexplained hiatus from blogworld… not that I ever fully engaged enough to reciprocate the love and kindness I’ve received from all of you. But at this moment in time, there is nothing I want more than to re-connect… with you, with my thoughts, with the words inside my head. I miss you all… I’m sorry I haven’t made time for you.

My interim of silence can only be explained by this… I’ve fallen hopelessly in love with my career, had some unbelievable opportunities come my way,  and as a result I’ve severely neglected most other aspects of my life.

Now I believe it’s time to re-connect, with you, with me… to seek a healthy balance of loving my work, but also loving myself. So here I am… going back to the one thing that has always kept me grounded. I vow to write more. Please wish me the best at untangling the words inside my cluttered mind as I try to re-claim myself.

It’s been nearly 5 years since I last heard my brother’s voice… 3 and half since his death. I’ve come to a point where I can remember him, tell stories, the funny ones that make you laugh… usually with tears in my eyes, but now I can at least smile and finish the story…mostly. Except for tonight.

It’s funny how things can jog your memory or consciousness… things that you bury inside, or that you think heals with time…only to resurface from a familiar song or smell, a face, a similarity so obscure, but yet so deep, it begins to hurt inside all over again. Tonight it came on so suddenly, I was not prepared. My sadness resurfaced all over again… like it used to.It used to come in manic waves…over and over, until the waves got smaller and smaller.

My brother. I’m thinking about my brother, and I still can’t believe he’s gone.

Tears instantly streaming down my cheeks, I remember how much I miss him. I want to cry in somebodies arms, and tell them how much I miss him.  But, it’s 3 and a half years later… and who can I tell now? My family is just as heartbroken as I am, even till this day, and I don’t want to make them relive the pain I know they still have inside. We’ve all cried so many tears. It hurts just as much to see them cry. It’s not the kind of thing you call a friend and confess, even the closest friend… it sort of kills anyones mood, and they won’t know what to say anyways.

I miss my brother. I don’t know who to tell that to anymore. I don’t think this pain ever leaves a person. So tonight I’ll cry alone… remembering him.

I awoke to the most breath taking view from my bedroom window today. Freshly fallen snow rested heavily on the branches below. Despite my longing for sunshine and warmth, winter has staked its claim and the beauty of this day was undeniable.

I hadn’t seen my family in a year… I missed them dearly. So much, that I booked my trip home for 12 days. 12 DAYS! What was I possibly thinking?!

It was bitterly cold so we were forced to hibernate in our living room, where my family launched into repetitious babble, each talking over one another, to the point where you realize that no one was listening to each other in the first place! I listened, mute by choice, exhausted by my futile attempts to chime in… as they continued to talk at one another. And so it went… for 8 days.

The last 4 where filled with the energy and excitement Christmas is supposed to bring, as well as the sorrow and indescribable loss that binds our family. It’s a particularly difficult time of year for us all, as we are each still grappling with my brother’s death in our own ways. I stayed with my sister-in-law (his wife), and my two adorable nephews, now ages 3 and 5. It’s bittersweet in a way, to see the life inside of them and feel my brother’s presence, as we mourn his loss.

All in all, 12 days is too long of a visit for me to swallow without my brother… he was the only one I could really talk to. We used to retreat to our own prospective corner of the house and laugh hystarically about mostly anything. He got me; we got each other… man I miss him. Family gatherings are just not the same anymore, not without my partner in crime.

Despite how annoying my family can be, the one thing I’ve learned through all this is to cherish the time you have together. Perhaps it’s not the length of time that matters, but rather the frequency and quality of time we share together. I regret not having made the effort to go home more when my brother was alive. I miss him every day, and I’m afraid now and I’ve missed too many days of the family I have left. It’s hard to face them alone, but maybe in small doses, I can feel better about our time together.

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After a day of rain filled the roads with slush and muck, ice eventually sealed the ground as evening took hold. Ice coated the sidewalks with a soft glaze, making for deceivingly slick travels for those that braved the journey. Living on top of a very steep and long hill, I have more than once embarrassed myself by sledding downhill on my bottom!

Today was the  kind of day, where most of us chucked our pride at the door. One by one I watched as people naively attempted to maneuver the sidewalks with overzealous confidence. Most took a tumble or two before they resorted to slowly dragging their feet along the sidewalk, looking like little kids that just learned how to skate!

Thankfully this year I’ve discovered YakTraxs! These inexpensive, rubber soles stretch to fit on the bottoms of any pair of shoes or boots, and are wrapped with metal coils to grip the ice. So today, I felt confident with my new treads digging into the ice, strolling up (and down) the sidewalks with ease (dignity preserved)!

I’ve often wondered about the lives of people I see on my daily commutes. It’s sterile and monotonous…the train, the time we idly bide as a necessary means to fulfill our occupations. Each of us wishing we could be somewhere else, with someone else… fast forward or rewind to a time where we didn’t have to play that awkward avoid-eye-contact-with-one-another game.

This was just a girl on the train one afternoon. She looked so tired and cozy; I thought it was beautiful…little did she know that I was snapping such lovely photographs of her from across the isle. This is how I bide my time to break up the the monotony of my daily grind.

The love between us never went away. We broke each other’s hearts, simply because we didn’t know how to make it work. A year has passed, and despite the pain and loss we felt once before, we cannot deny the feelings we still hold inside. It’s a rare thing to find this kind of love…I can only hope that this time, we manage to hold on to it.

This is the perfect example of why I always like to have a camera in hand…you never know what you might come across. I was walking to the grocery store one morning last weekend when I captured this photo. The sky was a deep, threatening gray, but quickly parted to reveal white fluffy clouds and a brilliant blue beneath it all. It was beautiful.

Have you ever closed the door to one possibility, only to revisit that option later in life? It’s hard to know whether or not to go down a path you’ve already been… hard revisit something with fresh eyes, when you’ve already seen what you’ve seen. However, it’s easier to resort to familiarity and a life you were accustomed to, especially when it seems there aren’t any new doors worth opening. Is it wrong to believe a walk along a familiar path will seem any different on another day?

I’ve been working on photographing textures and very detailed pictures lately. I shot this one of my eye last weekend… it was an interesting project. I have to admit, despite the countless years I’ve spent adorning my eyes with mascara, I’ve really never looked THIS closely at my eyes. It’s so interesting the things I notice, only after seeing them first through the lens of my camera. My developing love of photography has inspired me to pay more attention to details… as a result I’m finding beauty in surprising places.