Words help me breathe.

Finally a moments rest…ironically I feel like staying up half the night because I’d rather tomorrow not come before I’m ready.

Armed with a glass of wine, at last a moment to myself, I am remembering how soothing it is to put my thoughts into words. I’ve taken quite the unexplained hiatus from blogworld… not that I ever fully engaged enough to reciprocate the love and kindness I’ve received from all of you. But at this moment in time, there is nothing I want more than to re-connect… with you, with my thoughts, with the words inside my head. I miss you all… I’m sorry I haven’t made time for you.

My interim of silence can only be explained by this… I’ve fallen hopelessly in love with my career, had some unbelievable opportunities come my way,  and as a result I’ve severely neglected most other aspects of my life.

Now I believe it’s time to re-connect, with you, with me… to seek a healthy balance of loving my work, but also loving myself. So here I am… going back to the one thing that has always kept me grounded. I vow to write more. Please wish me the best at untangling the words inside my cluttered mind as I try to re-claim myself.

Home for the Holidays.

I hadn’t seen my family in a year… I missed them dearly. So much, that I booked my trip home for 12 days. 12 DAYS! What was I possibly thinking?!

It was bitterly cold so we were forced to hibernate in our living room, where my family launched into repetitious babble, each talking over one another, to the point where you realize that no one was listening to each other in the first place! I listened, mute by choice, exhausted by my futile attempts to chime in… as they continued to talk at one another. And so it went… for 8 days.

The last 4 where filled with the energy and excitement Christmas is supposed to bring, as well as the sorrow and indescribable loss that binds our family. It’s a particularly difficult time of year for us all, as we are each still grappling with my brother’s death in our own ways. I stayed with my sister-in-law (his wife), and my two adorable nephews, now ages 3 and 5. It’s bittersweet in a way, to see the life inside of them and feel my brother’s presence, as we mourn his loss.

All in all, 12 days is too long of a visit for me to swallow without my brother… he was the only one I could really talk to. We used to retreat to our own prospective corner of the house and laugh hystarically about mostly anything. He got me; we got each other… man I miss him. Family gatherings are just not the same anymore, not without my partner in crime.

Despite how annoying my family can be, the one thing I’ve learned through all this is to cherish the time you have together. Perhaps it’s not the length of time that matters, but rather the frequency and quality of time we share together. I regret not having made the effort to go home more when my brother was alive. I miss him every day, and I’m afraid now and I’ve missed too many days of the family I have left. It’s hard to face them alone, but maybe in small doses, I can feel better about our time together.

24 Hour Photo Binge

Something magical happened yesterday as I wandered the streets with a new set of eyes… not just looking, but seeing art in ordinary things. Armed with a Digital Elph, relaxed by a few drinks, and happy to have a dear friend by my side, we hit the streets with our newfound love of cameras! Scanning over the common details of daily life, my eyes became overwhelmed with possibility. Suddenly I was drawn to an eyeful of shapes making up angles, lines criss-crossing over and underneath one another, colors fighting for attention, light grasping for existence in the night, reflections of less important objects, the dents and subtle imperfections, and just plain regular things. Everything appeared unlike any other night to me… each and every step possessed a wonderfully seductive beauty in its own unique way.

Walking with this heightened sensation of SEEING, I began to loose consciousness of the usual things surrounding me that distract my senses from their purpose. I lost all consideration of time as I absorbed this lovely night… hearing nothing other than my own footsteps lightly travelling towards whatever drew them near. It’s been an intoxicating 24 hours, lost in my new, beautiful world.

I love this, SEEING. It’s a certain kind of addiction I feel right now, the need to SEE. I can’t stop recycling the images, over and over, I rewind the night. There is so much to take in especially since, until now, I haven’t. I look at these things every day… but why don’t I SEE them? Where does the beauty in my eyes go, when I’m rushing to and from work? Why haven’t I noticed how charming the scenery is? Could this be something we’re all guilty of depriving ourselves? Hmmm… Perhaps I’ll start looking through my lens more often. I do believe our eyes were meant to have a higher purpose in life.

Invisable Thoughts

I’ve struggled for years to find my voice and have the courage to share my words… often this leads me to miserable bouts of insomnia. One day, years ago, I wrote this in the middle of the night…

I think these thoughts inside my head… up all night, they don’t let me sleep, up all night, they want to speak. Stuck inside, thoughts thinkin, barely breathin’, all crammed inside. Thinkin’, thinkin’, thinkin’, STOP! Please leave these thoughts and let me be… LET ME BE!

CAN’T! Got somethin’ to say, gotta find my voice and set them free. Somebody put these thoughts inside my head, blessed me with this curse that keeps me up at night. My invisable thoughts, can’t nobody see, ‘cuz I never explored that side of me. Never the courage to give my thoughts words to speak… can’t get ‘em out. SILENCED, can’t cough up the words. SCARED, what might you think of me? My words, my mind, thoughts inside of me, anxiously waiting their debut. Someday their voice will come, crackly at first, then well-versed. They’ll breathe fresh air, claim their space… I can only hope they’ll find their place.

No more invisable thoughts!