Remembering Him
August 1, 2009
It’s been nearly 5 years since I last heard my brother’s voice… 3 and half since his death. I’ve come to a point where I can remember him, tell stories, the funny ones that make you laugh… usually with tears in my eyes, but now I can at least smile and finish the story…mostly. Except for tonight.
It’s funny how things can jog your memory or consciousness… things that you bury inside, or that you think heals with time…only to resurface from a familiar song or smell, a face, a similarity so obscure, but yet so deep, it begins to hurt inside all over again. Tonight it came on so suddenly, I was not prepared. My sadness resurfaced all over again… like it used to.It used to come in manic waves…over and over, until the waves got smaller and smaller.
My brother. I’m thinking about my brother, and I still can’t believe he’s gone.
Tears instantly streaming down my cheeks, I remember how much I miss him. I want to cry in somebodies arms, and tell them how much I miss him. But, it’s 3 and a half years later… and who can I tell now? My family is just as heartbroken as I am, even till this day, and I don’t want to make them relive the pain I know they still have inside. We’ve all cried so many tears. It hurts just as much to see them cry. It’s not the kind of thing you call a friend and confess, even the closest friend… it sort of kills anyones mood, and they won’t know what to say anyways.
I miss my brother. I don’t know who to tell that to anymore. I don’t think this pain ever leaves a person. So tonight I’ll cry alone… remembering him.
Youre never alone, Christ is always just a prayer away….he’s never too busy to talk, and he’s always waiting for us.
I’ve lost my grandparents several years ago, (they raised me from age 5, I’m now 45)
I find myself missing them alittle more with each passing day.
I still talk to them, still ask them questions on what to do about any given thing….they never answer, but I can still talk.
Being a full-blood Cherokee, we have an old belief….If you ask a question, if you listen to the wind long enough, you’ll hear your ancestors answer.
Go ahead and talk to your brother….then listen to the wind for his voice….I bet you’ll hear him.
Raven
http://cherokeebydesign.wordpress.com/
I’m sorry you’re hurting right now and feeling so alone. I’m sorry for your loss.
And your words are beautiful. I’ll think or you today and am sending you warm wishes.
Thank you both for reaching out… your words were very soothing and provided me some much needed comfort. I was having one of those rough waves of emotion that so often unpredictable and totally overwhelming. It’s nice to have an outlet… writing always soothes me.