The scenic route.

A year ago, I thought I had my life all laid out in front of me. I was in a serious, long-term relationship, contemplating all the next steps of togetherness in the traditional sense. As it turns out, it was all wrong… we were wrong together. We both knew it, but it took some courageous realization to undue the facade we had co-maintained in our blissful acts of denial.

Moving on came with surprising ease… I guess I had no idea how much of a burden our relationship had been. Living without him was refreshing, and far easier than expected… with no more weight to carry, no more tears or disappointment. I was happy to be alone, to find myself again, in the midst of all the newfound uncertainty of my circumstance.

Time passed. Life seemed to flow, and although seemingly without rhyme or reason, my shoes just plain fit better. I developed a surprising sense of curiousity and openess to my life and the manner in which I chose to live it. I did what I had seldomly allowed myself to do… I relaxed. After years of conforming to the person I felt I should be, I was finally free to be myself. I stopped trying to make what I thought needed to happen in life happen.

So feeling grounded, open, a new… I have been re-evaluating the prospects for which I have held for my future. This has been no easy task… especially considering that my attitude holds no conventional norm, nor do the decisions that I make because of it. Freely I am choosing a life which doesn’t make sense to most… especially to those whom I love dearly. This is not unlike any other decision I’ve made in life… it’s always been my tendency to find my own way. It’s just hard sometimes forging your own path, in a world that lives down another.

I’m at that transitional point in life, where I’m idly watching my friends marry and have children. It’s tricky being on the outside, watching it all unfold like it’s “supposed” to. Slowly, to no fault of their own, I’m watching my friends retreat into their own worlds… happy in a way that they believe is right for themselves. It’s good I guess, but sad in a way, that I don’t share that same sense of desire. My friendships, no matter how close have changed as our individual priorities and daily existence has evolved… each in our own direction.

I guess I’m questioning all the basics… you know, those things we all grow up believing are necessary to achieve happiness and essential towards progressing in life. What happens when you choose another path? What if I don’t want to marry, to have children, to work 9-5, to have a house or dog? What then? What comes of the friendships that I’ve made, when we no longer have much to relate to in life? Who will be left to share my world? How do I explain my desires to those whom I love?

I don’t have many answers… only a bit of faith, that I know what is best for me. I always seem to find my way. It’s just hard sometimes when you seem to be the one left behind… who knows, perhaps it’s me, leaving others behind in the midst of my quest?